my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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