i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
