So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
