don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize