You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
