I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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