i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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