Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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