my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
