Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
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just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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