You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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