omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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