i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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