I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
