have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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