Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
