I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
