Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
