I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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