I'm really into asian looking animals
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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