meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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