i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
