trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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