the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
