He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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