Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
