Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
why is half of my head shaved?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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