I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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