You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
