It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
