When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
