I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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