please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize