Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
