I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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