It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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