I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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