If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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