He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
