My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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