Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
