At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
