I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
