She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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