somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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