omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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