Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
