don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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