It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
