So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
