end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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