She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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