I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
