literally had 100 drinks last night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
