I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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