So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
