I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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